did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
