Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
