Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
ttyl tear gas
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
