What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
