She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
