I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize