Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
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You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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