So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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