I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
