Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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