Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
