if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
