Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
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When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
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I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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