Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
