Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
