I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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