ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
