A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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