am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
