I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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