I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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