I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
