I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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