textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
