Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
