checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
