we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I am in a vortex of obligation.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I want to fling myself into the sun
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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