Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
