Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
