girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
