see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
