I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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