My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
