I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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