Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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