how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
