last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
