Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
