Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Even my vagina gasped.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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