Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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