i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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