found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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