We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
