I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
