Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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