Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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