It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
