o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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