Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
