Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
