they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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