I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
smell my finger.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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