I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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