i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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