Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
