Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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