the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
