I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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