hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
