Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
