he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
